On Parenthood

The journey to parenthood is full of incredible changes and unexpected surprises, of significant reorganization of time and spaces, and shifts in priorities and control over our life as individuals, partners and parents.

Parenthood is often portrayed as an experience of absolute bliss and joy, of celebration and fulfillment of all human needs, the beginning of the happiest life chapter. The world looking at the little family as a glowing oasis of pure love and goodness. Yes, sure, there are also unpretty sides, but they are brushed off as minor nuisances in this magnificent experience.

Do not get me wrong, parenthood can be that, absolutely.

But it is also other things, and this over-simplified and over-positive image of parenthood fails to acknowledge and validate the ample spectrum of mental and physical challenges and ill-health conditions that come with expecting a child and becoming a parent.

Some parents, due to medium and long-term birth-related physical issues, are limited in the range of activities they can or feel comfortable undertake.

Some parents lose themselves, their sense of identity, personal purpose and interests.

Some parents find it hard to maintain their relationships as a couple.

Some parents are shocked by the anger they feel.

Some parents feel incredibly lonely even if surrounded by people; some feel overwhelmed even if they have support available.

Some parents feel so unhappy that they cry often and find it difficult to sleep.

Some parents do have thoughts of harming themselves or their child.

Being a parent can be also that. The hidden realities that are kept from the public eye and the common narratives, swallowed and muted. Shame, guilt, fear, among others, make it difficult for expecting parents and parents to openly talk and share their truths, concerns, and challenges with others, even their loved ones. No parent should face these hardships alone.

More importantly, even if these situations are common, they do not have to be considered normal. No parent should cope with, or endure pains that can be addressed, treated and alleviated.

Please, please, please, if you are a parent and having a tough time, reach out to someone you trust. A friend, a family member, a medical specialist, a specialised support service. I know it is hard to be vulnerable but opening-up to someone is a first important step. Together you can work towards identifying possible solutions and support.

It might help to reflect on:

Ø  What do I find increasingly difficult to cope with? Be honest and compassionate to your own response, don’t judge yourself when you answer this.

Ø  Who could I talk to about that?

Ø  What can help me overcome my resistance to reach out to the(se) person(s)?

If you are the friend or a family member of a parent and they open up to you, please try to listen and to be compassionate and supportive. Avoid responding with indifference, condescendence, dismissal, disapproval, or with horrified reactions. Offer advice, if they request it, or simply an empathic ear. And ask yourself:

Ø  What changes did I observe in them since the parenthood?

Ø  What is the smallest thing I can do to support them?

Ø  If they shared about their experience, what prejudices and preconcepts do I hold about the situation that could be an obstacle to be fully supportive?

The theme of parental mental health is evolving and changing rapidly for the better, as new insights and evidence become available. We can contribute to this too, one conversation at the time.

 Written by: Maddalena Fumagalli, Practitioner Coach at Windseeker Coaching

Photo Credit: Unsplash